push&pull.

to be completely honest
i feel like a whole new person

sometimes in a good way
& others in a bad way

it's like every feeling/emotion/idea
ANYTHING that runs through my mind
always seems to be in constant disagreement.

it's like there is a constant war going on in my stupid head.
and i can't seem to figure out how to win.

it's frustrating me to no ends.
i can't even sleep anymore.

it's like my mind runs on all these crazy different situations.
analyzing every aspect that i think about.

my mind is so full of all this JUNK going on right now
that it's like my brain can't handle learning the school stuff.
i seriously think that my brain is full.
it's not even just like "full of knowledge"
because-- WE ALL KNOW that isn't the case.
haha.
but seriously.
it's like everything is fighting....and i can't ignore the constant pushing and pulling of my mind.
i can literally focus on NOTHING.

i have all these great ideas of what im going to do....
and then i sit and ATTEMPT to do these things.
and cant start.
because my mind is freaking not agreeing with my body.

so this is obviously frustrating me...i can't figure out how to get it to go away.
BUT...part of it is good?
ive learned so much from the craziness that's been throwing itself around in my mind.
it's like i've learned so much from being away from home.
even if it is only 20 minutes away.

sitting, night after night
as my mind battles through situations.
i've realized.
family is something to be treasured.
don't take things for granted.

time.
there is NEVER enough of it.

school.
sucks.
never agrees with time.
nor does it agree with a full mind.

friends.
man...i've taken all of you for granted.
i've been such a jerk to almost all of you....i cant even begin to apologize.

relationships.
im like a wall you can't break.
im too scared to be open
and i dont want to be hurt.
nor do i ever want to deal with certain situations ive seen in my lifetime.
so i just simply stay away.
more like PUSH people away.
as if i think that makes it so much easier.

scheduling&organization.
man, i am BAD
at that.
and i'm trying SO hard to better myself.
it's tough :P

emotions.
wow.
they are crazy.
happy
sad
streeesssseddddd
full
hurt
loved...
i could go on forever
and they all fight
against eachother
and i end up with
the feeling of neutrality.
like nothing bothers me.
heck...i act like nothing bothers me.
i keep it alll in.
psht...im lame.


confrontation.
good luck with that.
i never tell people how i feel.
if im mad at you....i shake it off.
and the next day, it's like nothing happened.
IM A PUSHOVER.
when it comes to being mad.
it's a waste of time if you ask me.
you get one lifetime.
and time seems minimal.
so heck...why be mad?










i wish i could just go to COLORADO
<3
and just take a vacation.
some days off.
to clear my mind
of all this craziness.
i really don't know any other cures.