Godhelpme

thishashappenedtoomuchireallyfeellikegivingup.

push&pull.

to be completely honest
i feel like a whole new person

sometimes in a good way
& others in a bad way

it's like every feeling/emotion/idea
ANYTHING that runs through my mind
always seems to be in constant disagreement.

it's like there is a constant war going on in my stupid head.
and i can't seem to figure out how to win.

it's frustrating me to no ends.
i can't even sleep anymore.

it's like my mind runs on all these crazy different situations.
analyzing every aspect that i think about.

my mind is so full of all this JUNK going on right now
that it's like my brain can't handle learning the school stuff.
i seriously think that my brain is full.
it's not even just like "full of knowledge"
because-- WE ALL KNOW that isn't the case.
haha.
but seriously.
it's like everything is fighting....and i can't ignore the constant pushing and pulling of my mind.
i can literally focus on NOTHING.

i have all these great ideas of what im going to do....
and then i sit and ATTEMPT to do these things.
and cant start.
because my mind is freaking not agreeing with my body.

so this is obviously frustrating me...i can't figure out how to get it to go away.
BUT...part of it is good?
ive learned so much from the craziness that's been throwing itself around in my mind.
it's like i've learned so much from being away from home.
even if it is only 20 minutes away.

sitting, night after night
as my mind battles through situations.
i've realized.
family is something to be treasured.
don't take things for granted.

time.
there is NEVER enough of it.

school.
sucks.
never agrees with time.
nor does it agree with a full mind.

friends.
man...i've taken all of you for granted.
i've been such a jerk to almost all of you....i cant even begin to apologize.

relationships.
im like a wall you can't break.
im too scared to be open
and i dont want to be hurt.
nor do i ever want to deal with certain situations ive seen in my lifetime.
so i just simply stay away.
more like PUSH people away.
as if i think that makes it so much easier.

scheduling&organization.
man, i am BAD
at that.
and i'm trying SO hard to better myself.
it's tough :P

emotions.
wow.
they are crazy.
happy
sad
streeesssseddddd
full
hurt
loved...
i could go on forever
and they all fight
against eachother
and i end up with
the feeling of neutrality.
like nothing bothers me.
heck...i act like nothing bothers me.
i keep it alll in.
psht...im lame.


confrontation.
good luck with that.
i never tell people how i feel.
if im mad at you....i shake it off.
and the next day, it's like nothing happened.
IM A PUSHOVER.
when it comes to being mad.
it's a waste of time if you ask me.
you get one lifetime.
and time seems minimal.
so heck...why be mad?










i wish i could just go to COLORADO
<3
and just take a vacation.
some days off.
to clear my mind
of all this craziness.
i really don't know any other cures.

dreams are the smartest thing my brain ever creates

so, ryan jones. here is a new post. so sorry to keep you waiting. im sure there are so many faithful readers of this intellectual BLOG of mine just DYING for me to update. haha.


















lately ive been thinking.
which is odd, because most of the time i think my brain has either been permanently shut down, or else i was just hit in the head with some type of small object--possibly even a golf ball, i don't even know.

sometimes i wonder if anything i think has any useful meaning at all?
most of the time, probably not.
but i don't really care. sometimes i like the simplicity of my mind.
and most of the time, i like the randomness of my mind. especially when im sleeping, because my dreams are always wicked sweet.

so the other night in one of my crazy random dreams,
i had this dream about friend of mine. someone i hadn't seen in a really long time. it made me quite sad to be honest. but anyway, to continue on with this dream, me and this "friend" were "dating"...and i decided that in the dream, i needed more in life. i--"we" packed up our bags, hit the road, and ended up in flipp'n hollywood. i started my own tv show, and made lots of $$$$$$$$$$$$$$.
woohoo!


(side note) ...when you're a college student, $$$ is always good news :)

anyway, i became this crazy popular tv star--heck yeah.
so the more famous i became, and the more $$$ i got paid...
i realized that i still wasn't satisfied.
my two co-producers of this "show-of-mine" always fought.
i'd always have to listen to all their stupid drama and they'd always try to get me to pick sides.
that wore me out hardcore. in the mean time, i was still becoming rich and famous.
somewhere in there, my "friend" became more distant and more distant.
i was a jerk to him. along with all my other friends.

story keeps on going and going.
however.
the end of the story. i wake up.
i go back to sleep.
and im poor. in this dream.
im poor.homeless.and hungry.
my friend comes up to me....but in this dream he doesnt know me.
he hugs me and feeds me.


i wake up again.

i always think my dreams mean something,
they probably don't?
but i like to think that they do.
SO DON'T RAIN ON MY PARADE...geesh!

so in my simple mind.
i came to the conclusion, that lately i have been selfish.
when it comes to friends/family/time/love/money/anything
i push friends that need me, away...because sometimes im not in the mood to care for them

i dont get wrapped up in a relationship
because IM too afraid of being hurt.

i push some parts of my family away...because it makes ME less stressed

i waste my time and use it for MYSELF

i don't love NEARLY the amount of people that i COULD have time to love.

i make no money. im in college.
if you want my money.
TOO BAD.
get a freakin job or something.




jk...
ive also been selfish with that too. there's always enough to give.

however, in my dream....
when the role was reversed
and i was the one on the streets
that friend of mine had plenty of time, love, and what/not
to care for me.

i wish i was like that.
i need to be like that.


so anyway...whether it meant anything or not...
it made me realize that i had been a jerk to this friend of mine.
so i called him up the next night and after awhile i apologized for being such a jerk to him.
i had been selfish.
i thought about everything i had done to this friend,
and thought man...if all this had been reversed....
he'd be the one being SELF-LESS, and not so selfish.