frustration

i have been sick since october-ish...
i went to the doctor at the very beginning of Christmas break
they put me on some strong medicine that made me feel really sick
it didn't make me better

went back to the doctor
got tested again...& got different medicine
still hasn't made me better
in fact, i just keep getting worse

ive had blood drawn twice this week
im so tired and weak
they can't figure out what i have
i can't do anything anymore
and im so frustrated

please pray for me and some sort of an answer
**hopefully good results from these tests

otherwise...im being shipped off to more doctors...

the way i feel today

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say “Amen”, and it’s still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I’ll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I’ve cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can’t find You

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The maker of Heaven and Earth

LUCK is when preparation meets OPPORTUNITY

The year is 2007.
I am coming clean.
I want to get a fresh start.
I want to be honest.
I want to live my life as a follower of Christ.
I want to make some changes.
I want to be who I am meant to be.

THIS PART OF MY LIFE...is called CHANGE.

+++I've been praying for changes in my life. God has been giving me answers. For awhile, I decided not to accept His answers as good "answers". Nothing I was going through felt like a good solution to me. I got frustrated, and I questioned God--i just didn't understand. I'm reading a book called Velvet Elvis right now. I like it a lot. It's like everything I've ever thought in my own mind, written onto paper (with bigger words and a lot more explanation-ha). I like that it is honest...it says that questioning God is okay. I believe that wholeheartedly. The more questions I ask, the more answers I'll get.

+++So here's how my life is changing. My parents are going through a divorce...&&& a necessary one at that. Some people might disagree with that satement...about it being "necessary". However, I don't believe that you can judge people or situations that you have not lived first hand. HOWEVER, I also believe that marriage is something that should be forever. I also believe that a marriage can LAST forever. If God is the center of your marriage, there is no way it can fail. With God all things are possible. I'm NOT saying that there will not be problems in your marriage--every marriage faces difficulties. I DO know that if both you and your spouse put God at the center of your realtionship, there is NO way it will fail. I want a marriage like that. I want something that is forever. Something that is true. That is what is important to me. A relationship takes two. And putting God at the center of your relationship also takes two. In my family situation, there was no center. It was never balanced. Going through this knowing WHY it is happening and KNOWING that this is the best solution, does NOT make the pain any less. In addition I haven't spoken to my dad in a few months. We don't really get along...that really upsets me. I like things that work...and when they don't work, it pulls at my heartstrings. I think he likes it better now that we don't speak. I still love my dad, I wish I could understand why he doesn't feel the same way about me. Sometimes I wish i could change the way things are...but then I realize that this part of my life has been a journey that has shaped me into who I am today. I also think that this is part of my answer. I think God is calling out to me in every possible way, and I haven't been listening. I think it took a lot of tugging at my heart for me to finally listen. So I'm listening. Maybe growing up with a dad isn't really what my life has been missing. I've had a dad all along--God--my father--and He's been there through it all. What more could I ask for?
+++I also need to look at what I have been given--the blessings. I have the greatest mom in the whole entire world. Not only is she a spectacular mom, but she is also one of my best friends--that's something special. She never judges me, and she always respects how i feel. She listens with an open heart--through the good times and the bad. I also have two of the greatest brothers in the whole world. My older brother and I are a lot alike. Some people might disagree with that statement--but deep down--we are so much alike it's scary. We do have our moments of disagreement--but who doesn't? We always seem to work things out and come away being closer than before. My little brother is crazy. He is at the stage in life where everything is changing. The big transition from middle school to JR HIGH--oh the good old days ;)! We finally are having "real" conversations. The two of us also have a really goofy way of interacting. We are always joking around, acting stupid, playing jokes on eachother, or wrestling around. Sometimes we get to laughing so hard we end up rolling on the floor in laughter. He is a really funny kid. I like that we get along so well. I love my family.
+++Here's another way my life is changing. My church is like my safety right now. I cannot wait until Sunday mornings. Our church went from having no youth, to having about 20 kids every week. Ryan Jones is leading Sunday School each Sunday. If you knew Ryan Jones, you would come back every Sunday too. He's a great guy. One of my close friends. Along with getting a new Sunday School leader and a large (for my church) youth group, we recently were blessed with a new pastor. Never in my life have I felt more of a connection with a pastor than him. Every Sunday I feel like his sermon is directed toward me. I'm drawn to the words he speaks. It's like God is speaking through him to me each Sunday. I leave every Sunday feeling blessed. Last week, he gave a sermon on the New Year. He urged us to write down 3 new years resolutions. I have my 3. I want them to last.

THIS PART OF MY LIFE...is called REALITY

I wanted to get a fresh start on this new year. I sat down a few nights ago, and decided to delete all my old text messages and e-mails that were taking up all the space in my inboxes. As I went back to the first few pages of e-mails, I stumbled across some e-mails from some friends of mine. They made me cry. I miss how my friendships used to be with people. Deep...and Real.

People who don't date always feed me the line that "i never know if it's right, so i just don't bother...someday the right one will come along and sweep me off my feet...then i'll know".
REALITY check: I sometimes believe this.
Double Reality Check: only few people get that crazy "fairytale, movie" type story
Here's my life lesson.Sometimes in life, someone comes along & you let them go. Sometimes in life, i think people make wrong decisions that they have to deal with for a lifetime. I think i make mistakes like that. I think I passed up good situations and opportunities a lot in my life. Be wise, and let your heart guide you to what you know is true. Don't be foolish...guard your heart...& others.

THIS PART OF MY LIFE...is called NOW.

I'm going to live my life for God. I want to set an example for the believers and the non-believers. I want to spend my time loving others. I want them to know the truth. There is more to life.I want to make things right with people.
I want them to know who I am for real .